It's Not You, It's Me... or is it?
8 Minute Read
Let me tell you what’s on my mind.
I recently got into a verbal fight with someone I’ve known about six years now. We’ve experienced a lot together and watched each other grow to higher levels in life.
But I must say that a lot was said during this conversation.
It started with the other person having an attitude based on a text message I sent them.
The text said “tell _____ to hire my agency to run their social media.”
No harm, no foul, right? When I picked up the phone, I could barely say hello good before they flew off the handle.
They were telling me not to ask them that question anymore because we had a previous discussion about it but like the person I am, when there’s a need and I see it, I inquire. It’s in my nature as a Cancer and just as a person wanting to see people win.
Then that’s when the call shifted.
I was asked, “who are you to comment on somebody’s social media?”
And… I… reacted…
I couldn’t believe that question came out of their mouth! At that point, it became personal to me because I felt like my voice was being silenced and attacked.
If you know me, you know that for most of my life I’ve never felt like I had a voice. I was always the quiet, shy, observant kid that laughed a lot. So to now be in this space in my life with my own unique voice, to hear someone question the validity of it, I foolishly took offense.
They continued to go on about how they felt I was shady, how arrogant I was and essentially how bad of a friend I was. It’s Not Me, It’s You.
At this point, my comments were all reactive. I seriously couldn’t believe all of this was coming out of their mouth after I sent a simple text message.
I reminded them how every time they get the opportunity, they boast and brag about the shit they get and do, so why when I express I feel _______ needs social media help, I am wrong for it?
They couldn’t even hear the question for trying to tell me how wrong I was. It’s Not Me, It’s You.
They then brought up my relationship with Oprah and the Oprah Winfrey Network.
They essentially said four or five years ago when they asked me something about it, I said something to the effect that it was something upscale or something along those lines. That’s not even remotely close to what that relationship is so I know I didn’t say anything like that.
When I said that wasn’t true, they then sarcastically said that they were crazy. I didn’t say that either. They did. It’s Not You, It’s Me.
What happened next was what I thought would be the saving point of the conversation. They said to me “well regardless what you said, it was how you made me feel.”
BAM. There it goes. Now we’re getting to the truth.
Oprah and Dr. Angelou have said many times that people will forget what you said to them but they won’t ever forget how you made them feel.
I immediately stopped the conversation and sincerely apologized for making them feel that way because I am not that type of person. And I’m really not.
I was then told “it’s too late to apologize now”. It’s Not You, It’s Me.
Now picture this conversation moving rapid fire speed with one person saying something and the other person saying something else. There is no clarity or anything happening except discord, insults and wasted, totally wasted energy.
We went on for a total of 23 minutes. TWENTY THREE MINUTES.
So much more was said including me bringing up an example of when I felt they weren’t there for me as a friend, they brought up an example of when they felt like I wasn’t a friend and also said I didn’t apologize for not communicating something they were expecting me to communicate. I had literally just apologized for another situation and that wasn’t good enough because they said my apology was fake.
I could not believe it.
I continued to ask that we talk with normalcy and I asked them to not be so defensive when talking about _______, the entire point of this conversation or so I thought. They then said they were done with the conversation and didn’t wanna talk to me anymore.
I then said I felt we needed another conversation to talk through all of what was just said because a lot of hurtful things were being tossed around. They then said to me they’re “cleaning house” and I finished with my final statement on that call by saying I still think we need to talk this through tomorrow or another day because there are many things that have come up that need to be addressed with us. They rushed and said okay and hung the phone up.
Do I expect a phone call from them ever again? I can’t say that I do.
I wrote all of this to share a few things on my mind after that terrible but very necessary call.
1 - We often get into rifts when dealing with other people because we have too often reversed the common phrase, “It’s Not You, It’s Me” to “It’s Not Me, It’s You”. By not accepting and acknowledging our own errors, we have given our egos another stamp of approval and have made a mental agreement within ourselves that “I will be right and I can’t be wrong” - by any means necessary.
2 - Don Miguel Luiz writes in the Four Agreements don’t take anything personally. NEVER take offense or take anything personal because someone’s opinion about you holds no weight with what you feel about yourself nor is what they say because of you. Most times their opinions about you are just their own fears and projections. When we get scared or feel cornered, we attack and feel the need to claw our way out.
3 - Speaking of projections, during the conversation, that part when I said that wasn’t true about what I said about OWN and my relationship with Oprah, and then they sarcastically said that they were crazy was their own projection of crazy. Not once did I say they were crazy because I don’t think they are crazy. This happened about three other times on the phone. At the time I couldn’t understand how or why they would say these things when this is not what was being said. My thought on that is when someone has accepted in their mind that someone has called them crazy (or anything along those lines) when that hasn’t been said, is a sure sign that there is more internal work to be done.
4 - Being called shady, arrogant, bad and a number of other things made me question for a VERY brief second, was I really all of those things? Or was this again, their projection of themselves onto me? I quickly found solace in the truth:
If someone is not willing to examine their ways and allow correction or reproof for growth, then those adjectives may very well fit them. But I am ALWAYS on a quest for insight that will help me grow as a human being.
They couldn’t even stop talking enough to allow me to speak on the phone. I literally was trying to make it right by apologizing for how I may have made them feel but was told it was too late and that it wasn’t enough for them. When you try to sincerely apologize to someone, when they say they are expecting an apology and when you do, they turn around and say it’s not good enough, you have done your job so sleep well! If you sincerely apologized, give them the space to work through it how they need to in order to accept it or not. It’s not up to you to decide for them if and when they will accept an apology. But when someone says the apology is not real when you know you did it sincerely, it’s most likely a lost cause. So, be gentle on yourself and not let their decline disturb your peace. It’s Not You, It’s Me.
5 - My final thought on this is something I grew up hearing nonstop from my mom and grandma. You have two ears and one mouth because you are to listen twice as much as you speak. While I will not say that I would not have said anything during this phone call, I wouldn’t have taken something that I absolutely know how to do so personal and ended the conversation there. When I was asked who am I to comment, that’s when I should have hung the phone up. At that point, I immediately should have recognized what the conversation was going to turn into. No “friend” would ever ask that question in that tone or way if they support you. Another insight I received from that was clearly there was something or someone else that had triggered them and they brought that energy to me.
Regardless, the conversation happened the way it was supposed to happen otherwise it would have had a different outcome. Lately there has been a number of “friends” disappear out of my life for many reasons.
To be transparent, I have been praying and meditating for those who don’t mean me any good or who are not supportive and are not to be in my life, for them to be removed.
Not in a physically harmful way but in a way so I can welcome those that will match my frequency and vibe with where I am and where I am headed. Also, so the ones leaving can go and live their best lives with the people that are supposed to be in their soul tribe.
Somehow we get lost and run into each other on the way to our perfect creative soul tribes and it is now time to give each other permission to vibe with those that were especially created for all of us.
I know this post was incredibly long but I needed to share this with you so you can remember to not take offense, to not be concerned about other’s opinions of you, to keep your egos aligned in truth, to listen twice as much as you speak and to stop saying It’s Not Me, It’s You and be willing to examine the space within that might actually say that it is you.
I love you Souljer and I wouldn’t be who I am without your love and support.
Let me know what your thoughts are? I’m curious.
Comment below or shoot me an email.